My friend, Deirdre, is typically a very upbeat young woman. One day she was not her usual, cheerful self. I could literally sense the storm cloud hanging over her head even before I approached her. I asked my friend what was bothering her. She began to tell me about she ran into a man she used to date the prior evening. The relationship seemed to be progressing very well for them and then suddenly the man disappeared and pushed Deidre away emotionally. The two of them ending up going out for a cup of coffee to catch up and talk for a bit and it felt like they had never encountered such a major hiccup in their relationship. This confused Deidre and she got up the courage to ask him what went wrong. The conversation suddenly became very awkward and after some prodding Deirdre’s ex finally confessed that even though he loved who Deirdre was on the inside he was unable to develop the kind of physical attraction towards her that he desired to have for his partner. Deirdre was clearly crestfallen by this news. “What do I do, Vish? It upsets me so much how much emphasis he put on physical attraction when we clearly connected on other levels. Am I not attractive to the opposite sex? What’s wrong with me?”
There are many men and women who find themselves in similar situations like the one my friend faced who ask similar questions. It and it can be especially difficult and painful when a lack of physical attraction causes a couple to distance. We are told by many relationships experts and even scientists that physical attraction is fleeting. So why is there such an importance placed on physical attraction in relationships, especially when studies show time and again that physical attraction isn’t what makes relationships last long term? Yoga wisdom tells us that physical attraction plays a part in attracting our ideal mate, but not in the way one might think.
We are a lot like icebergs. With icebergs you only see the small portion that sticks out above water while a much more enormous portion lies deep underneath the surface. We cannot see the state of someone’s soul just by looking at them just like we cannot physically see the much larger, underwater portion of an iceberg unless we went below the water’s surface. This is why our physical appearance serves as a business card of sorts. It’s a way we can externally show that we have an orderly mental space. When a person feels good on the inside it will reflect on the outside as well.
However, Yoga is all about balance. Extreme views do not follow the principles of Yoga. One should not be obsessed with the physical exterior and place too high of an importance upon physical appearances. Also, one should not abandon their body and not take care of it. When we place too much emphasis on physical attraction or disregard physical attraction entirely then we are stuck in a state of Avidya. Avidya is a Sanskrit word meaning a state of ignorance. When we are in Avidya we misplace our importance and fall into delusion that misleads us in regards to our true worth. . If you had both gold and iron you would pay attention to the gold. But what if the gold is covered with dirt and someone comes and polished the iron to make it look more attractive? Someone who lives in a state of Avidya may go for the iron due to its exterior beauty even though the gold clearly has more worth. This is displacing the importance of certain values. And we tend to do this without understanding why. We are constantly giving off messages affecting others without even speaking. We tend to place importance in things such as outward appearance without understanding “Why.” When we do this we not only lose our own sense of worth, but also place less worth on others based on physical appearances. This is why it is so important to use Yoga techniques and principles to work on yourself from the inside out as well as find balance when it comes to outer appearances and physical attraction.
So how does one find that balance when it comes to things like physical attraction? Yoga tells us that physical attraction is important. Our brains are wired to react to physical attraction. But we need to understand that physical attraction is only a fraction of the whole equation. When we are at our optimal physical level it helps a person’s magnetism becomes incredibly powerful. How does a person know they are at their optimal physical level? In Yoga & Love I talk about Ideal Shape and how it determines whether you are at your physical peak. What we must keep in mind is that Ideal Shape is different for every person. Nor does Ideal Shape mean you have to be a certain body shape or weight. I know women and men who are heavier, very slim, or anywhere in between who are very happy and comfortable in their bodies. One way to determine how close you are to your Ideal Shape is to stand naked in front of a mirror. Are you happy with what you see? If you do not like what you see then make a commitment to exercise and eat well. Make changes in your lifestyle and work towards that goal of reaching your Ideal Shape. Research tells us that an hour of exercise can release endorphins into your bloodstream for up to 8 hours afterwards. When you feel good in your skin your magnetism grows. You radiate that confident energy that says you have it together. What is not attractive and sexy about that?
If you find you are in situations where you are attracted to partners who do not find you physically attractive then it is time to really evaluate your state of mind. What energy are you putting out there that attracts these reoccurring situations? Do everything you possibly can to be the best you that you can be both on the inside and outside. If you want some feedback then ask a close friend what you can do to become more physically attractive. We have a choice to either do everything we can to reach our individual Ideal Shape or choose not to care. However, choosing not to care is very difficult and takes a lot of energy. Yoga would advise us to use that energy instead to better ourselves. I also had to work on achieving my Ideal Shape. I was always very thin, about 140 pounds at 6 feet tall, despite being into sports and athletics. I was not entirely happy with where I was so I chose to work on gaining weight and building muscle.
Also remember it is very possible and common for physical attraction to build over time in a relationship. It happened in my relationship with Deypika. In the beginning I was not at all what Deypika considered her type physically but over time came to view me as the most attractive man in the world to her. Nothing is written in stone and never give up hope, especially in yourself because you are the creator of your own destiny. If you find that you are in a situation where you are not physically attracted to your partner or have lost attraction, then help them reach their ideal shape. Work with your partner as a team. Embrace your partner with love and acceptance. Encourage your partner to reach his or her goals. If your partner wanted to pursue their passion in their career, you would encourage them and stand by them, correct? The same holds true here as well. It is very important to remain committed and show love and respect to one another and work together to bring out the best in both of you.
"It is about learning to love from the inside out. Yes a big part of the book is about Yoga, but the core message of it , is learning to and how to love yourself on the inside. It emphasizes so much on focusing on yourself, that is such a refreshing perspective on relationships.” Paulina D, San Diego, CA
"The core message of the book is before you unite with someone try to unite with yourself. It is learning about yourself, finding yourself and then if you choose to you can find love on the outside . The book gives ways to do just that in simple step by step way.” 
"Yoga is a life long process and the goal of life is self exploration. The book inspires me to make myself whole, integrated, to feel complete unto myself. Once I do that , I will attract a holistic, integrated person who is a totality of himself, which is how a relationship is supposed to be.” 
"Yoga is love, love is Yoga. It is not a relationship book, it is not just a love book, it is a lifestyle book. It is educational, informative, a message that everybody can apply. It teaches you how to be a better person, so that you don’t just find the love of your life but learn to have better relationships with everyone.” 